It's been a rough few days.
For context:
I'm not feeling well and this has sent my fibromyalgia into a flare up and increased my joint pain.
I'm so used to my diseases that I think it can be easy for those around me to remember that I live in constant pain.
And, bec+ause my ability to manage my pain has improved significantly since I took back my health, it can be easy for ME to forget that my body is under immense stress at all times...
So then when I hit a wall of weakness and increased intensity of the pain, it catapults me into a spiral of anxiety and triggered wounds.
I hate being weak, and no matter how much I've learned about dependency upon God, I will always struggle with not being strong and "together" at all times.
So, I've been physically and emotionally and mentally unwell for a few days.
As I've completed our Advent activities and taught lessons and cleaned our home and cooked meals and planned our next school year and folded laundry and created content (because, you know, those things still have to be done-no days off for mom 😜), I've been irritable and self-centered.
Everybody has been a personal offense to me and I'm a martry who does everything for everyone that no one appreciates. (Sound familiar 😘)
I wish this weren't true.
But, it is.
Even so, I can still see a marked difference between this worst version of myself and the me I used to be.
I now can:
Recognize...
what is happening within me.
Recalibrate...
my heart and mind (albeit over and over)
Reorient...
my attention from myself to those I claim to be joyfully serving.
Regulate..
my nervous system.
Repent...
of the irritability that I now understand but still know isn't the correct response.
Redeem...
small moments that add up to something more than the sum of their parts.
So, wherever you are in your journey towards settledness, know this:
1) You'll still have difficult days. There's no magic wand and healing doesn't negate your humanity.
2) You're getting somewhere. Even when it feels as if you aren't, you're healing and growing and stretching beyond yourself.
Keeping fighting the good fight. 💙
“Even so, I can still see a marked difference between this worst version of myself and the me I used to be.”
ReplyDeleteSo much yes. This last year has been a first of marking how far I’ve grown rather than how far I have yet to come. 2 Cor 3:18, “ So all of us, with faces unveiled, see as in a mirror the glory of the Lord; and we are being changed into his very image, from one degree of glory to the next, by Adonai the Spirit.” has given me so much comfort…degree by degree like Christ and not the expectation of all at once.